So drunk, too bad you don't want this
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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