Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
