i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
