Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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