I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
