dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
