Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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