update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
