Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
