I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
