the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
