Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
