oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
