I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
