you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
