They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
