Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
