I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
