I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
