im six kinds of drunk right now
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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