I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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