I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
