I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
