They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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