dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
