when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I wish you could order shots online.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
