omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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