I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
