3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
