I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
