i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
