Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Everclear isn't food dammit
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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