Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
