Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Bring me that man meat
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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