Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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