I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
