I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
