No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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