I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
