Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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