I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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