yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
