Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
