i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
