Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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