It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
