I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
