I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
