i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
