I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
