Ketchup is God's man juice
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Your cock deserves a montage
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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