I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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