Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
