Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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